It was when Christa was around 10 months old. She started to hold sturdy things and tried to stand up with that support. She also started trying to get down from couch/ chair/ bed where ever she was sitting.
In that period of time, I was facing a downtime in my life. I couldn’t able to forget or forgive few things that happened in my life. Life was more chaotic and I was slowly losing confidence over everything. Jegan, my husband, tried his level best to lift me up as much as he could and suggested me to concentrate on other things and engage myself. I felt confident every time he talked, but then again I seem to fall in the same pit. The pit called depression. It made me fear for everything, doubt every situation. The self-pity was my favorite blanket. I hated myself for getting struck into the situation but not able to move forward. All sorts of “what ifs” came in mind whenever I try to forget the situation. The fact is that I couldn’t help myself. I was busy worrying all about myself! In short, I was not ready to get past the bitter moments and move forward. It was like as if I were comfortably sitting in the pit, continued to worry and waiting for someone to lift me up.
One day, Christa was sleeping in the bedroom and I was doing some work in the next room. Suddenly I heard her crying and rushed to the room. I was quite surprised to see her getting down the cot by herself. Her feet were about to touch the floor. But, she was crying in fear as if she is going to fell down. I went near her and tried to pull her down a little bit so that she can touch the floor. But she didn’t accept my help; she was expecting me to lift her up. As a mother, I tried to encourage her effort, I kept on telling her, “Christa, you are about to get down, just leave your hands, you will be fine; I’m holding you. You won’t fell down dear” But, she didn’t hear anything she was just holding the bed tightly and continued to cry.
Suddenly, it was like God gently reminding me that, I was also acting in the SAME way! Like my little girl holding on to the bed, I was also adamantly holding on to the bad moments that happened. I willingly closed my eyes and denied myself to see the bright future which was right before me. Holding on to the past just gave me a lot of depression and fear just like my smaller one’s crying. I could clearly understand my situation now. I felt that am childishly holding on to something useless and fearing to look at the future, just like my little girl did! How silly I am! My happy life is just a few inches away and I was not aware of it! I was busy holding on to the past. I was wrong, I was totally wrong; Coming out of depression is not a magic, no one can miraculously release me out from my depression. It is a step by step process of intentionally fighting back.
Aah! Someone’s crying! I came back to the real world as my small one was continuously crying. I lifted her up and gave her lots of kisses and calmed her down. Happiness was overflowing all over me for I’ve learnt a special and unique lesson that day! 🙂
I thanked God a ton of times for teaching me a special lesson. I asked him to help me let go everything in the past and look forward with a thankful heart.
From that day, whenever those negative thoughts peaked in, I started to say loudly that, “The past is past. It doesn’t have anything to do with my present and future. Am going to live a peaceful life”. Little by little, inch by inch, all those negative thoughts faded away and I was able to forgive and forget those haunting moments. Now, It is like a dream! A happy dream! 🙂 And, what all I feared, worried & questioned in those times of depression, seems to be meaningless now! The good thing is that I have realized it. Else, I would have been in a depression and ruined my happiness till now and would have been waiting for someone to come and lift me up, which would have resulted in severe depression that I could not handle it anymore!
Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes, we do get hit by unexpected drastic situations. But, those situations are meant to teach us few things. Those are not the ones to make us feel devastated and sit in the corner and ask “why me?!”. But the choice is yours.
While turning back, I have no regrets! I’m so thankful for that situation in life. It moulded me into a more thoughtful and happy person than before. It helped me to look at my life in a bigger picture and not to blame other people for my situation. Now also, I do feel down when situations didn’t go in the way that I expected. But, now, am handling things differently. Now, I know the magic of letting go, and moving on with hope to face the upcoming situations no matter what.
As they say, it’s true that happiness lies within us. We can’t seek it outside.No one can spoil our happiness unless we do it. Also, no one can make us happy unless we are happy! 🙂 Let’s just let go all our bitter moments in the past; for letting go frees our soul. It gives us the confidence to face the future and enjoy the present. Let’s live the life one day at a time and start living every bit of it.
So, what are you going to choose? Holding on to a daunting past? or to move on and live in the present with the hope to face the future?